is there a way to make it so you won't trust someone ever again? to stop being able to trust anything someone says? i am not sure if that makes sense at all. i do know that i am too trusting, and it gets me absolutely nowhere.
i am also too nice, which continues to get me nowhere. the only place it gets me, is either in trouble, or walked all over, and lately, i am pretty sure i have the word "welcome" embroidered across my forehead.
what's even more sad, is that my own family has struck against me, has continued to do so, no matter what i do in return for them. sure, i may not be around much, but that doesn't mean i dont care. they said it themselves....we all have our own lives. but some things are important, should be discussed together, and things like that. instead, i am always last to hear anything, and everything is done without my knowledge. for example, i was keeping my mr2 at home, was told it was "abandoned," and it would be towed. ron and i tried everything to get down there and get it, but weather and work prevented that, and they have broken what little i had left in me to make an effort. apparently, i am also not allowed home, ever again.
i am done.
i am at a complete loss for words. i am sad. depressed. angry. what have i ever done to deserve these things? have i done something to make them hate me? i dont ask for much. i try to help out when possible. i always try to be the good kid. it all feels completely pointless. all for nothing.
i still have a few boxes left, i wonder if there is a way for me to get my things. i want out of here. i always talk about wanting to move south, or anywhere in general. i think i have made my decision, and within the next year or so, i want to be gone. i want to leave everything behind, because i don't know how much more of this i can take. i thought things were just finally getting somewhere, and then i get slapped for nothing.
*sigh* i dont know. its one loss after another. one worry stacked on top of another. i don't want to be stressed and depressed the way i was before. i don't want to hurt anymore. logic and reason aren't always the answer. if you are reading this, thank you for teaching me one final lesson: you can't, and shouldn't, trust or rely on anyone, not even your own blood. ESPECIALLY not family.
i feel like i have to re-evaluate my life. this post is only a small sample of things that have happened. i suppose i should be thankful that my credit wasn't ruined by someone giving away my social security number to let someone else ruin everything for me. oh, but i helped fix a situation like that, and look where it landed me. cool, right?
i shouldn't be so negative. it is partially how i got to my dark place last time. at least i have one good thing, and he is sitting here with me while i type, playing some games on ps4. i will admit things got scary for a while, but now, everything couldn't be better. the only thing that will be better is when we get the fuck out of this town. he actually just treated me to melting pot last night. ♥♥♥
ron met me at work last night when i was getting out. we were supposed to go to a party, but in the end decided not to, but i got this little surprise out of it anyway. he came in, all dressed up, and it was really great. he brought a dress for me to wear, so i changed in the back seat while we were driving to carousel mall, or destiny as you young'ns might call it. (by the way, totally pantless trying to pull on stockings as we drove alongside a centro bus. go me.) we finally arrived at the mall, and i had to hike a mile in heels. carousel is a scary place on a saturday, it is super busy there. also, i don't know how to girl, so me in heels is apparently pretty hilarious. we went in and made our reservation, and then went to a shoe store so i could get some flats so i didn't have to struggle. that took almost the whole 45 minutes alone, so by the time we made it back, they were just about to notify us that a table was ready. it was a pretty eventful night, there were a few snafu's that happened, but the staff was super awesome regardless. even with minor situations, it was a great evening. ♥♥♥ 10/10, would go back for more cheese and chocolate.
so, i will leave it on that happy note. i am sorry i didnt have any pictures or treats today. this week will be busy as well, since i am helping heather with a birthday party this weekend, and working a whole bunch more. right? figures. i'll see if i can come up with anything wednesday, but i may not post until sunday this time. thanks for reading!
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